The Clueless journey so far...

Every time i see the about me section in a social networking site i just go completely blank in my mind.I dont know wat to write about myself.So i think the word that best describes me is clueless.Today is one of those days when nothing seems right and everything is out of place.Today i heard the oft-repeated statement by my brother for the umpteenth time,which is "how the hell did u become an engineer" also" you dont even know this and you call yourself an engineer "blah blah blah......for a stupid thing that i did which i dont even want to mention but it cost me 200 bucks and a headache and a legache as well.Now go figure...This conversation made me reflect back on my life and i realised that i have always been like this always confused,always without a clue and i still am.Whether its about the choice of study,career,relationships i just dont seem to have a clue and just cant think straight ever.When i was a little girl i wanted to become a doctor.Then in std 5 when kalpana chawla was all over the news i wanted to become an astronaut.When i was growing up my mum used to tell me a lot of things about my grandfather who was a lawyer.He was a man of principles always in a pensive mood immersed in deep thoughts sitting in his chamber.I wrote my first ever letter to him at that time i wanted to become a lawyer just like him.later on in class 9th my best friend used to draw little sketches of dresses.She wanted to become a fashion designer and i got fascinated by it too eventhough i am terrible at drawing.later on barkha dutt inspired me.I wanted to become a reporter.I wanted to report news from places of war.I wanted to reach out to people make their voices heard.By the time i finished my 10th.I had completely run out of options.I could have taken arts but then i felt the only subject that i could take up in arts was english there was no way i could study any other subjects in arts.I hated maths the most untill std 9th.I got an amazing maths tution sir who actually helped me improve my maths so much so that i got 97(cud have scored 100 had it not been for my calculation mistake) in maths in my 10th board and my parent couldnt believe it especially my mum.She still kept on advising me to take up arts may be because i am the least intelligent child in my family.So just to prove her wrong i took up science.Those last two years of 11th and 12th in my school were the darkest years of my life i went into a cocoon,depressed all the time.In 12th i immersed myself completely in books in preparation for the 12th board.By that time i had stopped thinking about what to do with my life.I had two options either engg or medical.So i decided to do engg but never prepared for the entrance.As a consequence of which i landed up at trident academy of technology,my alma mater.I was never serious about my studies during these four years except for the 2nd sem after which my grades either went down or remained constant.During the final year i knew i had to do mba and not just any stereotype mba in finance but mba in advertising management or marketing(ads fascinated me a lot)I did not want a career in the software field.So i enrolled myself at IMS but never studied seriously,never gave my best shot.I spent thousands of money on various exam forms(oh god why do they have to charge so much for those bloody forms,screw the system!!!).kept on appearing the exams ,kept on failing...
Then came the final frontier the campus recruitment season during the last sem of engg.I appeared a string of off campuses got rejected in all of them mostly because of my zilch technical knowledge,partly because i was reluctant to join an IT company.
Then i realised after four years of btech i will have to prove somthing to my parents so i studied a little bit boosted my self esteem and appeared for the first on campus in our college.Thank god i had a rehearsed answer for the basic question in any interview which is tell me something about yourself (imagine getting tongue tied at that but then we were taught a certain pattern to answer this question so thankfully i could answer that easily ).But to my horror i forgot the names of the subjects i had in the previous sem.(blame it on my poor memory or the boring subjects whatever..)Somehow mr oldie selected me and i went for the 2nd interview which was with a cute bengali HR.I started harping on how much i liked kolkatta because it still has this old world charm about it and how much i enjoyed the four years of my life there and he seemed pretty amused(i knew i had hit the bull's eye)Then he started the round of technical questions and immediately knew that i dont know a thing(damn!!).Still he asked me to tell me the fav topics of my fav sub(ya he was a kind soul).So i told him the few chapters of the only subject that i had studied and i could convince him with my answers.Finally i got selected.(phew!!).
While basking in this glory i forgot to study for my final sems and it is scaring the hell out of me to even think about the results.I just hope i pass in all the subjects.
All said and done now when engg is over and i have a job i am still clueless.Writing is what is keeping me alive and kicking these days and i want to become an author and publish my own book..
So this has been my clueless journey so far and i am completely clueless about what awaits me next.......maybe thats the beauty of life unfolding the future and venturing into the unknown....